Life you are like a boyfriend to me, I fucking love you, I would literally push a baby out of my 5 cent piece sized LOVE hole for you and then the next minute I hate you and I wouldn't even turn your burning fish fingers over in the frying pan for you. There are times I'd happily take pictures with you and post them on Facebook, being all braggy about how good you are to me and the next day I'm gonna be taking those loving life pictures down, because you're so horrible to me. This is seriously what life with terminal cancer is like, particularly towards the latter end of the disease, the good days become fewer and the bad days become more common.
The unpredictability of this disease can be somewhat confusing to people who've never been affected by this disease or other terminal illness, one of the most difficult things people find hard to grasp, is that I can be out and about, with it all hanging out, on Saturday and be bed ridden, in crippling pain, regurgitating everything that passes my lips and nauseated beyond belief on Monday for four consecutive days and then be up and about with it all hanging out again and repeat. This is just how this disease works, especially with my tumours being throughout my abdomen and pelvis. Your bowels are constantly moving, meaning your tumours are constantly moving, this also means poo is a big issue, especially if you get backed up, (I've had major issues with pooing all my life, even before my disease) throw in scar tissue, throw in pain and sickness meds which constipate you and this is why my pain goes from a 4 to a 10 in moments. Right now for example, I've got pain in my lower right back from my liver tumours which only arose two hours ago, prior to that I hadn't had this type of pain in months. This might help people who don't quite understand, maybe understand a little bit more as to why I go into hiding for days at a time and my hideouts are becoming increasingly more common and longer.
Today I had a great day, I'd pooed over the last few days (YAY!!!! Roll out the toilet paper, flush that loo, let's celebrate!) and I was drinking water without it regurgitating , then this evening after dinner, the incredible nausea came over me, sweaty, hot, but unable to vomit, it's just a horrible feeling that comes over you without the actual vomiting to make you feel better. I've become a cry baby of late, I just get to a point of sickness that the tears start rolling, my Dad's asking can he help, no, he can't, how can you help nausea, watching on helplessly as your daughter breaks down and that was it; needle time! I have a nausea injection called cyclazine that literally burns your flesh, causes a build up of blood under the skin and large lumps all over my ass. It's got to the point that we're running out of space to inject, you can't do it too close to the crack, as you can hit the sciatic nerve, which I can't imagine being fun. The injection is so painful, when it hits certain spots I cannot contain screaming in pain, both Mum and Dad did an injection separately and as they injected, the butt was so hard the syringe burst off, the medicine spurted all over each of them and the needle remained hanging in my ass. All three of us dread that evening injection, I think both of them literally hide until I've found the other to give me the injection, I was informed today that my ass is just one big abscess waiting to happen, it's no wonder the boys are knocking my door down....sarcasm, so we're looking at other options for the cyclazine to be administered.
So things have not been the best the past few weeks, but I have to believe in the fact that I will have an "up" soon, because we've had too many consecutive downs of late. I'm not being alarmist and I'm not writing this for attention or sympathy, I'm writing my truth and my thoughts down, for you to read, not to judge me or feel sorry for me, that ain't my bag. My honest truth at the moment is that this will be my last Christmas, as hard as that is for you to read, as hard as that is for my family to read, just imagine how hard it is for me to write. Someone that has never believed "you're not going to make it to blah blah blah", even when they said I wouldn't make it to Christmas in 2014, as upset as I was, deep down I just believed that I would make it and it wouldn't be my last. The person that calls life her boyfriend, who isn't ready to break up yet, sadly, it seems that life, my boyfriend, is going to get in there first and dump me, I just hope he isn't a cheap bastard and at least holds out to this Christmas and my birthday, I hate when people dump people right before Christmas or birthdays just to avoid buying a present, yes, people seriously do that!
Where are we right now? Fuck knows, I'm more confused than a hermaphrodite bi-sexual with gender dysphoria, unfortunately when you're diagnosed with terminal cancer you're not given an instruction manual, you might get a crappy 2 page print out from some Cancer clinic, but each disease is different, everybody's demise is different, I just fucking hate that I know mine isn't too far away, nobody deserves this, nobody, not me, not anyone.
At a time of year that I'm usually bouncing off the walls, driving everybody crazy with Christmas music and movies, I'm starting and ending most days in tears, this isn't me, it's never been me. Throughout this whole shit fight I've never been a sooky lala, but lately I've become one.
There are so many fears that come with this disease and those fears change each day, every day a new fear arises, like today I thought to myself about how frigging difficult a person I am to live with, even before cancer, I'm a total, raging, lunatic with OLD (Obsessive Lisa Disorder, similar to OCD, but waaaay more compulsive). With this illness comes a highly compromised immune system, meaning if I see you wipe your nose, I'm immediately asking for blood tests proving that you don't have a cold, if you have the runs, you're out and so on. I've had it a couple of times before, a simple cold for you, can become an ICU visit for me, with my blood pressure not going above 70 and a fever of 41 degrees and a doctor enters the room and tells you, you're probably not going to be around much longer, all from a common bloody cold.
Whilst yes, getting a cold and dying is a fear, it's not the one I'm talking about, my fear is that I am so much hard work, this disease is so much hard work, that when I'm gone and the funeral dust has settled, that my loved ones will sit back and think 'as sad as all this shit is, it's nice to finally be able to sit and take a breath and relax, without listening out in the background for Lisa to yell out for something'. I'm scared they'll feel relief, all this crap I write, you all must think I want people to build shrines to me, get me cryogenically frozen, sit me in place of the TV and basically wear black everyday mourning me until their time comes, but I don't want that, I would never want that, I simply want to be remembered for my good side, for the love I had for friends, family and life, not for my shitty, bitchy side, which has been much more prevalent of late.
If I could have one Christmas wish, it would of course be the obvious, for myself and for everyone suffering and that no one ever has to suffer again, eradicate this bastard. Whilst many of you are wishing that your credit card bill had a couple less zero's on it or that you could win the lotto, here I am literally wishing for another Christmas after this one, let's take a minute to take a breath and spare a thought for those that are doing it worse than you this Christmas, because no matter how bad life is, there's always someone out there worse off than you and me.
Sooky lala signing off for now, I hope your week has been more kind to you. Stay Fabulous Rockstars ❤️🎄
A photo of my first outing in days, yep to the supermarket and home again, with my little shadow of course ❤️🤘🏼🎄
My name is Lisa Magill and I have been navigating the minefield that is cancer since just months after turning 30, people have been saying to me for years that I should put my thoughts into writing and as time has progressed I thought I had left it too late, well here we are nearly 4 years in and for some unknown reason I've decided to start to write today.