Urinary Catheter, a necessary evil, with good intentions.......a light hearted blog for a heavy hearted week ❤️❤️❤️
Aah the Urinary Catheter, just sounds convenient doesn't it? The answer to every lazy man/woman's dreams, the answer to every busy mum who's running around not having the luxury of 30 seconds to sit on the porcelain throne and pee without interruption, imagine never having to pause your favourite TV show again for a pesky pee break, peeing, it takes up so-much-time! Say you urinate the average 6-7 times, lets go with 7 times a day and say you take 30 seconds each time you go (this is solely for urination purposes, I am not going to get into the mysteries that are the bowels tonight, well I haven't planned to, but who knows where this blog could take us?), that works out to be - a total of about 1273.3333 minutes over 365 days, if you live to say 78, that's a total of about 99,319.9974 minutes wasted hovering over a toilet or a urinal, behind a bush, in a pool or wherever else you like to relieve yourself, believe me I'm not here to judge, unless it's illegal, well, then I'm going to judge you, as you should be.
So the thought of having this wonderful time saving device inserted into your urethra, this is one of the few medical procedures I feel that maybe a man would find a tad more uncomfortable than a woman, I mean honestly it's not a pleasant thought is it? (for some reason I have "The eye of the tiger song" playing in my head, with the word tiger replaced by the obvious), having something foreign shoved up that tiny little hole? I bet you're all squeezing your knees together as you read and Steven (my brother), I can just imagine the face you're pulling in disgust at my comments and the dismay you'll be expressing verbally with my lack of gentility and etiquette in relation to this matter, aaw well, it is what it is 😜
It all sounds like a land of unicorns ands leprechauns and yes there is the downside that you have to haul a bag of your pee around for all to judge your water intake but in reality it is a painful, uncomfortable, just asking for an infection, piece of plastic tubing, shoved up your fanny with a balloon on the end (to keep it from falling out).
The first time you get one while you're awake, is all a bit daunting and the awkwardness of having a nurse stare up your hoo haa is never a nice thought either, but it is a necessary evil in some hospital admissions and believe me if you've just gone through a 10 hour abdominal surgery, you'll be glad you don't have to get up and go to the toilet, but they're not the ones I'm talking about, I'm talking about the ones you get when you're awake, not under anaesthetic during surgery.
I sadly have had more urinary catheters than one would like to admit, it's all a bit uncouth really, but I promised you warts and all (thankfully there are no warts to report for me down there 😜) my main reason for getting them now a days, is because of the size of my bladder tumours, they are causing blockages and pushing pressure on the neck of my bladder, so I can't "go" properly or sometimes at all.
In all honesty the whole process, if done correctly, is very easy and not too uncomfortable at all, unless as I said they do it wrong, I my friends have had it done wrong and it's a dark dark 48 hours that I would rather not revisit, EVER!
I'm not going to go into a blow by blow account of how they insert it etc. I'm not a medical dictionary and I feel my description would not be totally correct and let's be honest, probably a bit biased, which would be unfair to the poor catheter, as it really does have its good uses.
My issue at the moment is, I find after about 72 hours of having a catheter in, they start to become uncomfortable, even traumatised if you will? I've also had an incident that my urethra was left traumatised, I knelt up on the bed on top of my catheter tube and needless to say the whole thing yanked out and let's just say I didn't walk or pee right for at least 3 days.
Catheter's are sadly not natural to the body, so the body often rejects them by way of introducing infection to get rid of it, so the doc's usually don't like leaving them in for extended periods of time anyway, actually speaking of "periods", don't be alarmed if you're a woman and your period starts when you have a catheter inserted, it's actually quite common, just a fast fact for you 😜
I don't know how long this will stay in, the last I was told was indefinitely, well no thank-you, I see your "indefinitely" and raise it with a "definitely", I want it out and I want it out yesterday. It will be reviewed tomorrow by the palliative care doc, so we'll see what happens (fingers crossed).
So in short Catheters are certainly handy, they serve a great purpose, they don't hurt as much as you would imagine when your getting it in or out for that matter, they pop the little ballon before taking it out and it slides right out (I know, I know tmi, well stop reading if it's too much for you lol), they are great little inventions, just not a long term one for me.
So sadly for those of you, who feel a commercial catheter would be a God send, I shall have to burst your catheter bubble (pun was definitely intended), I don't foresee Johnson and Johnson releasing the "convenient catheter compact" any time soon, so for now, mothers you have many more years of little hands sliding under toilet doors and kids asking for a toilet break on the 10 minute trip to the local supermarket and let's be honest as pleasant as it sounds to never have to physically get up and pee again, something like an adult diaper just doesn't appeal to me either.
So to you my fellow terminally fabulous people's, may you pee long and prosper, I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed that my pee will one day again run free, as nature intended it.
By the way, I started this blog in the middle of the night and just finished it upon waking this morning (the next day) and the amazing outpouring of support for "3 for Lisa" is amazing, you people far and wide never cease to amaze me. I feel with this army that we are growing, we'll be able to hold position, just a little longer than I had expected a few days ago, I actually see myself getting out (hoping) of hospital, rather than dying in it........gees I promised this would be light hearted.......did you know that the blue whale is known to have the largest penis at an average length of 13 feet (4 metres) to 15 feet (4.6 metres), with an average diameter of 12 inches (30 cm) to 14 inches (36 cm), no wonder the sperm whale is the second recorded loudest mammal, it's probably screaming at the thought of bumping into a random Blue whales appendage on its leisurely Sunday swim.
Love you people's, keep your chin up and your positivity coming. Thank-you all for your love, support and guidance, now go and have a nice long pee, you deserve one after all of that 🚽
My name is Lisa Magill and I have been navigating the minefield that is cancer since just months after turning 30, people have been saying to me for years that I should put my thoughts into writing and as time has progressed I thought I had left it too late, well here we are nearly 4 years in and for some unknown reason I've decided to start to write today.