I finally got around to reading some of your messages, I've still got many more to respond to, thank-you all for your ongoing love and support for a stranger from a little suburb on the outskirts of Brisbane. One common message I receive lately, is that my blogs have become more depressing or sad of late and I suppose you're right, but that's the truth of this disease. You've entered into the world of a 'terminally ill' person, not a stage one, 99% cure rate cancer blog, it's an incurable cancer blog. Terminal, essentially meaning I am dying, may not be today, tomorrow or the day after that, but one day it will take me (unless that miracle happens), believe me it's still as hard for me to say it, as it may be for you to read it. It really is a rollercoaster, the downs just take a little bit longer to ride out and as much as I wish I could be positive Pollyanna all the time, it's impossible to be that.
I promise you a truthful and honest insight into my life and I suppose sometimes I've not been as honest with you as I should have been, especially earlier in my blog. I was new to it and I didn't want to be all death, death, death. There are times that I've blogged and it's all jokes and funny analogies, but they've been more for your benefit than mine. As my blog grew I received more and more messages from cancer patients and carers etc. and they were grateful for the truthful parts, the parts that so many of us think about, the dirty laundry truth, but don't want people to know, we feel so guilty for many of our thoughts, like wishing it wasn't us with terminal cancer and that it was someone else or questioning our faith, if we say those thoughts out loud people may turn against us or be insulted, but that's what I'm here for, to be your voice of reason and truth, no matter how hard it may be to swallow.
I have numerous reasons for writing my blog, one is to connect with others and connect others in our position so we don't feel so alone, another is that it's alright to be scared about cancer and dying, you don't have to get to a point that you feel at ease with this disease, not everybody dies accepting of their fate and another was I was sick of the lack of honesty out there about terminal disease, "I do Pilates every day and only eat raw and my cancer is dying", "this disease makes you enjoy life more" blah blah blah, yes you may change your diet and ring your Mum more, but I don't want to feel guilty because I have terminal cancer and still drink the occasional Coke or eat way more cheese than that food pyramid thing says I should and as for exercising and meditation, yes that's good for you, but I can barely reach my ass nowadays to wipe it, never mind attempting a closed leg rocker or bicycle position. Yay for you and I'm all for it if you can do it. I just got sick of reading a blog and by the end of it feeling like I was the son of Lucifer himself for drinking wine. I already have fucking terminal cancer, so don't make me feel bad for going for that fourth slice of pizza or eating burnt toast.
I don't want people to read my blog and feel like they're doing terminal cancer wrong, there is no one way to live when dying, if there was there'd already be a "dying for dummies" book out there, there is no right way or wrong way to do this. Each person that goes through this is a newbie, you can only die once, so no one person is an expert. My advice, put down the how to die gracefully books and do this terminal disease however the fuck YOU want, if you want to throw a tantrum and smash a few plates, if you want to swim the English Channel, climb Mt Everest or simply spend your time at home, watching every reality show ever made, that's your choice. I never want a person to read one of my blogs and feel like they're doing something wrong. I am no Dalai Lama, certainly not a life coach or psychiatrist and most importantly I am not God or whoever your higher power is, if you even have one.
I've said it before, that as cancer patients we all too often pretend to be ok for the sake of others, we want to protect you from the truth, because the truth is just way to ugly and scary. A few people have said that they want the upbeat, hopeful Lisa back and again I get it and it doesn't upset me that they feel this way, it's because they want to protect their own feelings, if I give up, then what do those people, those strangers that care for me or garner hope from me do? How can they be strong, if I am weak? I have not given up, I have not resigned to the fact that my cancer has taken me, I'm not about to make that phone call to my cancer and congratulate it on its resounding victory, the truth of the matter is, this disease will kill me. I've never changed my thought process in relation to my feelings about my terminal diagnosis. I still hope for the best and prepare for the worst, that little saying was used very heavily in the early stages of my cancer and was definitely my brother Stevens go to, he'd come into the hospital and say it and he'd leave the hospital saying it.
I love that you beautiful people are concerned for me and worries that I may be giving up, but believe me, if or when I give up, you won't be confused about it, you'll know, because I'll tell you. I understand your fear, this is probably pretty new to you. You come across this random blog one day in your newsfeed and you've got a few minutes to spare, so you start to read and like I have done with other bloggers, you fall into their story, you feel a connection, just like I feel a connection with the Million dollar listing Los Angeles cast, you feel like you're friends and you talk about them like you are. We all do it, I couldn't tell you the amount of times I start a sentence with "I know it's not real, it's just a soap opera, but......" I talk about the Coronation street cast like they're actually related to me......a bit of advice David, it's going to come out, it always does, so maybe you should move to Emmerdale, I think the fresh country air would do you and the kids good. My family and I have been dealing with this for years now, so perhaps I can be a little blasé about my health, talking about it like I've got a cold. Many of you fabulous rockstars write to me or comment on my blog that you feel we would be best friends if we lived in the same city, state or country. Our connection feels so deep that when I have my down moments and openly blog about them, you feel like you're on the other end of a phone call from your sister or best friend and it upsets you to hear that I'm in pain or that I'm scared of dying, we've only just begun our virtual best friendship, you're not ready for it to end.
I wish we had met under different circumstances, perhaps a fashion or gossip blog, but unfortunately that's not where my life path took me, I think the bastard got distracted somewhere along route healthy and route dying and sadly that's my lot in life. I still hope to prove those doctors wrong, but I can't go along pretending like nothing's happening, for starters the pain wouldn't let me! As hard as this may be for you, just imagine how hard it is for the thousands of cancer patients going through this disease, their family and friends, if you can feel this emotionally connected to essentially a complete stranger, imagine how their hearts are breaking.
One things for sure, whenever I do finally kick the bucket, I'll have way more friends, both virtual and real going out than I did coming in 😉. I receive daily prayers and support from thousands of you fabulous rockstars and that gives me comfort that I never thought I would have. I am so thankful for all of you and your genuine concern, you take the time out of your day to read my biblical sized blogs and then you make loving comments, my family, friends and I are so thankful that you feel I'm worth that time and energy.
Stay fabulous you amazing rockstars ❤️🤘🏼
A couple of photos my cousin Tracy sent me the other day, they're blurred, but can you pick me?
My name is Lisa Magill and I have been navigating the minefield that is cancer since just months after turning 30, people have been saying to me for years that I should put my thoughts into writing and as time has progressed I thought I had left it too late, well here we are nearly 4 years in and for some unknown reason I've decided to start to write today.