The longest blog about nothing in the history of the longest blogs about nothing......Seinfeld would be proud ?
I don't want to die with people hating me, these are words I never thought would cross my mind, never mind leave my mouth, but it was something my friend said the other day to me and it cut, it cut deep, probably because I had already been thinking it myself, she said if I died tomorrow, she'd rather I died the way our relationship was and how I was 6 months ago, not how I am now and I totally understand where she's coming from, we're trying to adjust to "our" or more "my" new norm, now what you as the reader don't know is the context in which this comment was made, it was made in an environment where these sort of issues are meant to be addressed, she didn't just blurt it out of nowhere, we were actually addressing our newly challenged/changed relationship.
Cancer brings a lot more than just pain, tumours and hair loss, it affects every relationship you're involved in, from your mother, to your father, to your brother, to your sister, to your in-laws, to your cousins, to your friends, to your workmates and even to your local newsagent, it has a way of working it's way into your life like haemorrhoids, you don't know where they come from, they just sort of pop up one day and start to be a real pain in the ass, let's just say if there was a "Facebook friendship relationship status" update my friend who made the comment and I would be currently under "it's complicated......but we're working on it", this bastard of a thing will not wreck my relationship with this person, my love and admiration for them is too deep for this cancer to ever fuck it up, so up yours cancer🖕🏼your little plan isn't working.
I get it I totally do. These drugs I am on, if you were taking them individually, your emotions would be all over the place like a North QLD summers day, you wake up in the morning at 7am all sunny and singing, by 11 am it's overcast and raining, at 1 pm you're out frolicking and having fun at the beach and then it hits 5pm again and the thunder starts to roll in, the lightning starts to strike and the rain begins to set in, then finally by 9 pm you're relaxing on the balcony watching the moon shine between the clouds and listening to the calming sounds of the ocean, then just like your iPhone music, you hit repeat and shuffle the next day and it starts all over again, you see I never know which Lisa I am going to get at any given time of the day and my friends certainly don't either, as you can imagine this would put some strain on any relationship.
You see I like to think I've always been a pretty decent person, the type of person at the cash register who lets the person with 5 items in front of me, even if I only have like 12, I prefer to give than receive, I used to save my birthday and Christmas money for presents for other people's birthdays and special occasions when I was younger, I'm the type of person who will always wave thank-you for letting me merge in traffic, I'm the one who always stands to the side in the shopping centre aisle Mexican stand off, or that's who I was, well I sometimes still am.
I'm like a tsunami, completely unpredictable, I am more up and down emotionally than Oprah Winfrey's weight in the 80's, I have had more arguments in the last 4 months than Charlie Sheen has had porn stars and broken bed springs and the last thing I want, is to die with my friends and family thinking, fuck she was a bitch near the end there, I want them to think, fuck we've lost a good person, fuck I'm sad, fuck how will I live without her? Firetruck I miss Lisa (that's Ava my nearly 3 year old niece, she only swears when it's warranted or if she thinks no one is listening 😘) Fuck how will I function as a fully functioning human being without Lisa in the world?......Ok ok I may have gone a bit overboard there, but you get what I mean.
Throw in the 24 hour pain meds I am on, the nerve pain meds I am on, the other pain meds I am on, the 1-2 hours broken sleep I am lucky to get each night, I honestly don't know how people with chronic fatigue do it every day, how do they possibly force themselves out of bed feeling this way all the time? I have never felt tiredness like it, it is like I am walking in a cloud all day long, I have microsleeps all day long also, I'll just be sitting there and the next thing I am asleep, I have actually been in the midst of giving myself a needle and had a microsleep, woken up with a syringe inches from my eye whilst attempting to administer my pain medication in the middle of the night.
My head is everywhere I have no control over my thoughts at all or what comes out of my mouth, for example I apparently phoned my friend Melissa the other day and asked her if she likes Diamond earrings, her response was yes of course, but why are you asking this? To which I replied "things aren't looking good", and simply hung up the phone, now I have absolutely no recollection of this ever happening, I apparently also then rang my friend Rebecca and was discussing with her that her partner is a colorectal surgeon, the conversation ended quite quickly because Rebecca decided that I wasn't in my right mind and perhaps I needed to get off the phone to maybe have a little bit of a sleep, because I certainly wasn't making sense on the phone and no her partner is not a colorectal surgeon for the rectum I mean record and I've also been in the emergency department and asked the doctor in charge who is probably only in is early 30s, how long he has been balding for? Was he balding since he was a young man? (Mum says the ground could have swallowed her up and she said she feels like this on many an occasion, especially when I'm in hospital) I have also asked nurses and doctors to begin polygamist marriages with me in the emergency department, so as you may have noticed my thoughts are not always what you would call "normal".
My mind being as unpredictable as it is at the moment, is also concerning me in relation to the future of my blog, I was only responding to a comment from a fellow blogger @young mama drama yesterday, that the blogs that used to seemingly just pour from my brain, through my fingertips onto my iPad with general ease and enjoyment are becoming more and more difficult to write and this of course scares me, because as you know my blog is my outlet, it has become more to me than just an online diary, it has become a place where I can come to escape and relate to others in similar situations to myself, it has become more of a community, a support network for friends and family of people who are going through hard times, not necessarily cancer related either, maybe postnatal depression, maybe post-traumatic stress disorder, maybe just the daily stresses of life like motherhood and why your child won't eat a sandwich with the crust on today, but yesterday she did? To lose the ability to communicate with you fabulous rock stars would just push me over the edge, it would totally break my heart.
I've already lost so much to this disease, I cannot work, I cannot just hop in the car and go grab that bottle of milk that we need, I cannot go and jump in my car and blast the music and sing loudly just to escape my house for a minute, you know when you need that break? Like when you have a fight with your partner and you just need to jump in your car and go for a drive and blast the music really loud and sing and cry, but I can't do that anymore, I could just go and sit in the car in the driveway and do it, but somehow I don't think our new neighbours at our new house would appreciate some crazy psycho headbanging in the car in the driveway next to their house, although if they did it, I'd go get some popcorn, and enjoy the show!
So like an episode of Seinfeld, this has been a blog about nothing really, nothing bad or new has happened, well apart from my personality transplant and we're now at a 14 kilo weight gain mark in just a few short months. I haven't been told I have new tumours or it has spread to the bones or the brain or the lungs, they're all still in the same place (well as far as I'm aware of), I don't know exactly how many I have, we've sort of just stopped counting them now, I know there'd be at least like 20 of the slippery suckers. I have this horrible fear that it will spread to one of those 3 areas, I don't care if it continues in the same way it has the last few years, just stay the fuck away from my brain, I need that bastard to think, you just have to ask the Tin Man, having no brain is a massive inconvenience, stay away from my bones, my skin needs somewhere to hang around and for fuck sake stay away from my lungs, I need those things to breathe, I've had asthma all my life, but it was particularly bad as a child/teenager, I've been hospitalised with a 1/4 of my lungs working, I know what it's like to fight for every gasp of air you can get, to not be able to go to sleep because you firstly can't lie down comfortably when you can't take a breath and secondly you're shit scared you'll suffocate to death in the middle of the night. I don't wanna be walking around with an oxygen tank 24 hours a day or worse still, being pushed around in a wheelchair with an oxygen tank!
Other than the fact that I feel I am no longer the nice, calm, dependable, giving, loving and caring person that I used to be, she's still there, she is just not there as often in a day as she used to be, more like six hours a day, old Lisa and eight hours a day crankier Lisa and the other 10 hours, well that's anybody's guess. I suppose the point of all this jibber jabber is to let those I love and those I care about, those who've been around since day one and those of you whom I have only recently befriended or gotten to know in some small way recently through my blog know that deep down I am still the same person I always was, you just have to dig a little bit deeper to find me now, I promise I have realised these drugs I am taking alter my personality in a way that does not please me and others, so I am now working on it and as much as the drugs will allow me to get the old Lisa back on track, I'll be damned, if I don't get her back, if not for you, for me, because I miss knowing what mood I'm going to be in and I miss the old bubbly, happy and sing and dance in the shower Lisa, I promise she's still here and she will be back! I promise I'm not a total bitch, that sounded a bit like trust me I'm a politician, trust me I have terminal cancer😜, all I can do is work on it, like any other human being that have their faults, the first step to fixing a problem, is recognising there is one and I've done that, so we're already on our way to Terminally Fabulous Lisa land and I promise it will be better than Disneyland on steroids (you see that, a little bit of steroid humour, now I couldn't have joked about that when I started this blog, now I'm making fun of the bastard, I'd say we're half way to recovery already)! Stay fabulous Rockstars ❤️🤘🏼
My name is Lisa Magill and I have been navigating the minefield that is cancer since just months after turning 30, people have been saying to me for years that I should put my thoughts into writing and as time has progressed I thought I had left it too late, well here we are nearly 4 years in and for some unknown reason I've decided to start to write today.