Just a a prewarning relating to this blog, it is slightly different to my normal blog, this one I am airing a grievance that has just annoyed me again this evening, so I felt I had to write about it, I've said from the start, this blog will be a warts and all. I've had a few people read it and they're undecided on different parts of it, so I'll let you be the judge. I hope you lean towards the enjoying side of it more than the disliking side of it.........enjoy x
Something I've noticed over the years is a common question I get from people after telling them I have terminal cancer, besides the obvious "What type of cancer is it?" one, a question that would definitely be in my top 4 of frequently asked questions of a female cancer patient in her 30's is "Do you have kids?" and when I respond no, they often respond with something along the lines of "Aaw it's probably a good thing, at least you don't have to worry about that" or I've been told it's a blessing, as I wouldn't need that extra stress of worrying about their wellbeing, it's also accompanied by a sort of disappointed look, a head tilt and a change in tone of voice, like a gentle soothing "there there" voice.
This may sound stupid or that I'm overanalysing it, but when I get asked that question, as I inevitably do, I get a knot in my stomach and feel that I'm somewhat unworthy, that I haven't achieved the right things in life. I feel like the woman who has 3 children in the bed next to me with terminal cancer would deserve the better homes and garden renovation more than me, because she will be leaving a husband and children behind, I'll be leaving a Chanel handbag and a few pairs of louboutins, who cares about my parents losing a child or my loved ones losing me, they don't matter.
The truth of the matter is that Cancer basically took away that option, my treatments have put me into a menopausal state 3 times now, the closest I get to a tampon these days, is aisle 12 at woollies.
This got me thinking, this must be a common thing for all those beautiful women out there, yeah I'm talking to you, the ones who are single, you would definitely get the head tilt, the ones that have been in long term relationships and still haven't got a ring on it, the ones who are in a relationship and have tried desperately to fall pregnant and haven't or sadly have and lost.
What is it about us human beings, that we feel we have the right to judge others on their marital, parental and even employment status? I am a 34 year old unmarried, unemployed, childless woman, I have really broken the glass ceiling, those judgmental Judy's out there must love it when they start firing their questions at me, I am the "well things could be worse, I could be Lisa" person.
Why should we be made to feel like subpar human beings? So what we didn't get married (hey there's still time yet), maybe I'm infertile, did you ever think about that when you ask that question, I have many friends who have struggled terribly with falling pregnant and I feel horrible for them when people ask about kids, I know people aren't asking these questions out of malice, it's in general interest and often care, I just think people need to gauge their audience better, maybe think before you ask.
Have you ever stopped and thought that maybe........just maybe, it's an actual lifestyle choice, maybe my 34 year old friend loves being single, going out to a club and dancing all night and crawling into bed at 6am in the morning and she might just might be crawling into bed with someone else, that she may or may not have just met in the kebab shop on the way home (this is purely fictional, so for my single friends out there, I am not talking about you). Have you ever stopped to think that your friends, that have been married for 15 years, with 2 dogs called Will and Grace and a parakeet named poopsy, have chosen not to procreate, they'd prefer to put potential school fees into that European trip they're doing first class return next August?
There are so many different types of people out there, different relationships, different ideals, no person should ever be made to feel less worthy than the next, just because they haven't achieved what society believe's is the norm, we're in the era of the new norm. I mean seriously when Bruce Jenner was winning gold in the Decathlon in 1976, I really don't believe anyone would have envisaged that some 40 years later she'd be called Caitlyn and winning Glamour Magazine Woman of the Year, surely if Caitlyn Jenner can be crowned Woman of the year (You go girl ✊🏼) we can accept that a woman in her thirties has not procreated.
So to all of you out there that don't fit snugly into the box that is "normality", I salute you, keep living "your" life, yes that's right "your" life. The next time someone asks me that question,? I don't think I'll feel the knot in my stomach like I used to, I think I'll just embrace it and accept that it is really a perfectly reasonable question, it's just the pity parade that comes with it that doesn't sit well with me, so I'll just ignore that part and then maybe ask them if they prefer it on top or on the bottom? 😜✌🏼️
On that note, I'm off to bed, 2am rolled around quickly ⏳
Ps. Any views expressed in my blog are not meant to offend or insult, I hope that people can take my blog in the light hearted manner it was intended.
My name is Lisa Magill and I have been navigating the minefield that is cancer since just months after turning 30, people have been saying to me for years that I should put my thoughts into writing and as time has progressed I thought I had left it too late, well here we are nearly 4 years in and for some unknown reason I've decided to start to write today.