So I've been struggling over the last few days with a cognitive impairment, hand eye coordination, my brain is basically like mush and the ability to write anything, even a shopping list has eluded me and it's been breaking my heart, as my blogging has really what's been getting me through the last few weeks, so the thought of not being able to do it, has been killing my life!!!!!
I woke up at 5am this morning to yet another drug induced nightmare, this time it was a girl with long black hair and a white long nighty that covered her feet crawling towards the TV, I luckily fought my way out of that dream, you know that feeling? The one where you're struggling with yourself to wake up, because you know it's not real, but you just can't shake yourself awake, thankfully with a little bit of a Yelp (yes I yelped in my sleep) I woke myself up and I rolled over and picked up my phone and proceeded to scroll through my terminally fabulous fb messages and one stood out.
It was from a young woman, Jess, also with a similar type of cancer to myself, we both have different subtypes, but our disease is from the same family, kind of like a cousin once removed if you will. This beautiful young woman (24, she says she's determined to make a quarter century, I say why stop there? Be selfish, go for the century, Sir Donald Bradman wouldn't have stopped at 25, I know this beautiful lady is striving for higher than that, but sometimes we need to set small goals, in order to get to the big goals) proceeded to discuss her symptoms and I had to keep stopping and typing to her that I had the exact same and then I'd read another sentence, stop, message her that I too was the same and this went on and on.
This wonderful woman is currently in another country trying a last ditch attempt at I would presume cure, not just pain management or a short remission, actual cure and I say more power to her, people have suggested these things to me over the years and I have always chosen my own path, I'm just not one of those people who will start a 6 week kiwi fruit cleanse, whilst bathing in Manuka honey and chanting chakras to an open fire, it's just not me and so far my choices (that I am aware of) have been the right ones for me, other than the Keytruda immunotherapy, that stuff gave me high hopes, at a high cost and sadly caused me more harm than good, but that is the risk you take with these things, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't!
Receiving this message this morning has given me a renewed vigour, our similarities (cancer symptoms wise) are uncanny and I can just feel her energy through her message, she's like me, a not a lie down and just take it kinda girl and I love that! Good luck my beautiful warrior and I will see you when you get back to Oz ❤️
Speaking of unexpected relationships as a result of this shituation, somehow through Instagram I've connected with another young woman named Roni, in her 20's with stage 4 cancer, she is a bubbly and vivacious talented photographer, she has been fighting for quite some time now and she just has this amazing smile that would light up any dark day. We've been fb messaging back and forth for months now and just the other day we bit the FaceTime bullet (so to speak) and we talked face to face via the wonderful world of Facebook video chat, words cannot begin to describe the spirit and warmth that exudes from this young woman, we spoke non stop, or maybe I did, I don't know, all I know is, there were no awkward moments of silence, it just flowed naturally.
As I mentioned I have been struggling terribly the last week and one thought that is always at the back of my mind is, what about when I die? Who will keep me company for another 40 years before my Mum or Dad join me in club heaven (no crocs allowed in my club heaven by the way) and especially in the past week, the thought was weighing heavily on my mind, I know not all of you will believe that there's a big party in the sky waiting for us and to be quite honest, I'm not 100% sure of it myself, but it gives me some comfort knowing that while you guys are left down here, toiling away at work, stressing at everyday stresses, that I'm up there with a bunch of family and old friends (that's the whole point though, I only have a couple of family members up there and thank God no friends) sipping, who am I kidding? Sculling from a bottle of really expensive champagne, playing charades with Robin Williams, Audrey Hepburn and Patrick Swayze (yes Johnny!) eating never ending amounts of gluten (here on earth I'm coeliac, in Heaven you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want!) and that's what usually gets me through, but not this week, until I spoke with Roni, this is going to sound morbid, but the thought of someone like Roni maybe joining me up there, gave me some comfort, some piece of mind. Now don't get me wrong I'm not wishing the end of this amazing woman's life, just so I can have a bff up in the sky, far from it, I wish for her like I do every cancer sufferer a cure, but it just gave me comfort and that was all l needed at that point in time.
This week has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least and I'm still on it at the moment, I've had immense highs, my surprise blind date with Constance Hall and her bestie Annaliese, obviously are at the top of that list of highs, I have been blessed with meeting or talking with 4 completely different women (Con, Annaliese, Roni and Jess) and each of them have brought something different to the table, but they all have one thing in common, they are strong warriors who don't take shit from anyone and every time they get knocked down, they get up again and if that isn't special, I don't know what is.
So to you Con, Annaliese, Roni and Jess, I thank-you, I thank-you for having the courage to reach out to a complete stranger and share your most intimate stories with me, we all now have a bond that no-one else could ever understand and in this world of cancer uncertainty, it's nice to know that I now have four fabulous Rockstars in my life to turn to.
So what have I taken from this week? Be open to new possibilities, because they could quite literally change your life, I know my life has changed this week and definitely for the better, even if my head is still mush, my vision is blurred and my bowels are slow (yeah I know, how disappointing), I'm in a better place today than I was last week and maybe next week I will be in an even better place again.
Today I go in for a bout of radiation and I go in with my head held high in hope, that maybe, just maybe, it's my turn for that miracle.
Stay fabulous Rockstars ❤️
My name is Lisa Magill and I have been navigating the minefield that is cancer since just months after turning 30, people have been saying to me for years that I should put my thoughts into writing and as time has progressed I thought I had left it too late, well here we are nearly 4 years in and for some unknown reason I've decided to start to write today.