Another blog, fabulous rockstars, I hope you enjoy it and it makes sense, it was written in the middle of the night in between hits of pain meds, so if there are any magical unicorns galloping throughout this blog I apologise ❤️🤘🏼
Who here has ever suffered from 'OPE'? If you have, you've basically broken the tenth commandment, 'OPE' Other People Envy. It's something that we've all done at some point in our lives, in fact many of you probably do it on a daily basis.
OPE ranges from the everyday little OPE, such as, "Oh, I wish I had her sparkly stapler", to the middle of the road OPE, "Damn I want that bitches ass, look at it, you could balance a champagne glass on that thing and pour champagne into it over your head, yeah Kim Kardashian I'm talking about you", although more recently I've had Khloe ass envy, bitch is looking fine! Then you have your ultimate OPE, you know the one, the one where you're walking down the street of a posh suburb where you've parked your car a 20 minute walk from the beach, because there is no parking near it (if you live in the outskirts of Sydney, you know what I mean, try parking at Watson's Bay on a warm Saturday.......near fucking impossible) and as you're sweating your ass off to get to said beach, you see a fully decked out Land Rover pull up to an electric gate at a multi level beach front mansion, park, out jumps a beautiful mum, with her brand new tits and thighs that have never been introduced to each other.......no, not that way, I'm talking about how slim they are, they're so slim they've never experienced the gloriousness that is summer thigh chafing, skinny bitch with her Chanel handbag and what looks like 24k gold sunglasses, followed by her chiseled jawed husband and they then proceed to get a child out of each side of the car simultaneously and of course they're gorgeous little twin girls, with matching baby Dior dresses and headbands, you then look down at what used to be your flat stomach, that now resembles a stack of uneven tyres, your wedding ring finger that has never seen a wedding ring and then you realise you still have to walk another 15 minutes in this fucking 30 degree heat to get to the beach, yep life's looking pretty damn good from this side of the electric fence!
Well I of course have had OPE, but something I started having when I got cancer was 'HPE', Healthy People Envy". I experienced it much more in the early days of my disease and as I've reached certain milestones, like running out of my supply of eye cream that I bought when it was discontinued over 2 years ago and thinking "why am I buying all of this bloody eye cream? I'll never be around long enough to use it", well I just opened the last box the other day, tick that off my milestone list ✔️, isn't it amazing the stupid shit we think. Another thing I used to do all the time was look at expiry dates on things and think, I'll never be around for that bottle of soy sauce to go off or look at the date on a new Medicare card or credit card and think, "fuck, you shouldn't have wasted the plastic to print the card or the paper to print the letter, my other card still has 3 months on it, I'm never going to be around until February 2017, fair play, I haven't made it to February 2017........yet, but I don't look at things like that as much, if ever really anymore.
When I was initially diagnosed I remember walking around looking at lovely little older ladies in their eighties and thinking, what did you do differently to what I've done? Why was I given this shithouse of a disease and you're still going? Perhaps it's because I use words like shithouse instead of awful, perhaps if I hadn't been swearing all of these years I wouldn't have gotten cancer? I would look at families laughing and living life as if there were no tomorrow and think why do you guys get the romantic fiction life and I get the horror story? I mean what type of person looks at what are probably very genuine decent people and basically subconsciously wishes to trade places with them and give this disease to one of them instead, PLEASE just take it away! I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be alone with these thoughts and even writing them I feel sad that I've ever thought this way and I fear that you may judge me for my horribleness, but sadly, it's the truth and although I would never wish this disease on anyone, not even my worst enemy, I certainly would have traded my sick-bed for their king bed, any day.
You can so easily let the disease take over your life, take over your every thought, we become irrational and unless you've actually personally been through it, I don't think there is a way to describe the desperation you can feel at the thought of dying before "your" time. If we have these thoughts, it's not because we are bad people, but because at that point we were hopeless, we lost hope, we didn't know what else to think or what else to do.
I know for me I started wishing and bargaining with and for everything, I wish I was healthy, I wish I was 90 and already lived a full life, you start bargaining with a God that you've not spoken with for years or in some cases ever. Yes I've always prayed to God at night before I go to sleep, but it becomes a generic prayer, you know what I mean, you repeat the exact same thing every night and it's more of a habit than anything. Next thing you find out you're dying and you start praying to God, swearing that you'll never swear again, you'd give up all of your worldly possessions, just please cure me of this cancer, Amen! Buddha becomes your second best mate-next to God and you start reading the Koran, I mean the more Gods or idols that know my name the better my odds........right?
As I've progressed, these thoughts have become few and far between, but I just want you the fabulous cancerous rockstar to know, that you shouldn't feel guilt for having the occasional irrational thought whilst going through this disease, just don't let them take over you, that's when it becomes a problem, the odd "I wish I was Sonya from the Gym" thought isn't going to hurt anybody. For those fabulous support rockstars, family, friends and loved ones, please don't feel insulted if we pull away from you sometimes because we just can't bear to face you and your wonderful healthy husband and kids, it sounds horrible, but like any "normal" person, sometimes we just can't be around it, just like a woman who has had difficulty having a baby, sometimes they don't want to go to your beautiful child's birthday party, not because they don't want to, but because emotionally they just can't.
Sometimes we let our walls down, take off our armour, show our vulnerability and be the "real" us. As much as we know we inspire you and you think we are brave, at the end of the day we are just like you, we are human and who hasn't broken the 10th commandment before? If you haven't I need your address to send you a trophy, because that's one hell of an achievement, shit did I just commit blasphemy?
Stay fabulous rockstars ❤️🤘🏼
My name is Lisa Magill and I have been navigating the minefield that is cancer since just months after turning 30, people have been saying to me for years that I should put my thoughts into writing and as time has progressed I thought I had left it too late, well here we are nearly 4 years in and for some unknown reason I've decided to start to write today.