Yeah, you know that unspoken deal I had with cancer? The one where I would allow it to live in my body and do what it's gotta do as long as I remain me, as long as I can remain Lisa, look like Lisa (I didn't even mind it taking my hair.....TWICE), think like Lisa, be Lisa, just with a terminal disease, well I'm pretty certain the bitch has started to renege on our agreement, granted it was verbal and obviously there was no handshake, but up until now I was pretty certain Cancer and I had an understanding and we were preaching from the same bible.
I would say I have lost at least 70% of "pre" cancer Lisa, I'm almost unrecognisable, if it weren't for regular Facebook updates and selfies, no-one would recognise me if they bumped into me in the street, I'm a good 10 kilo's heavier (at least, I can't bring myself to stand on the scale) and I'm only "nearly" 5 ft, that's thanks to the drug dexamethasone, I have the lovely moonface from the same drug, I have a hump growing at the base of my neck and top of my spine (yes like the hunchback of Notre Dame), again from Dex, my vision is impaired, from the same drug, I have the hairiest face you've ever seen, I mean seriously I'm talking Monkey Magic type hairy, I have cognitive confusion and memory retention/loss issues, I'm no longer able to drive, I am spasming in both hands, feet and back, all side effects from the same drug, I am on 24 hour pain relief, I take a bloody wheelchair with me in the car everywhere I go, I have a hospital bed ordered (yeah an electric bed sounds cool, but for those of you who haven't had the great pleasure of sleeping more than a week in one of those things, it's like sleeping on cement after a while, those mattresses are so bloody hard and don't get me started on the air mattress, that thing moves all day and night long and it's noisy, that is way more uncomfortable than the normal hospital bed, I refuse to sleep on the air mattress as it also hurts my tumours), I require a nurse visit to my home every 48 hours, I can no longer fly overseas, I can perhaps travel short interstate flights, but I need to link up with a palliative care unit wherever I go so that I can have my (at least, sometimes they're daily) 48 hour nurse visits, my palliative doctor can just order me into a hospital admission, but I feel the biggest one, other than the appearance, actually that would be my biggest one, because you can see that and not everyone knows you're in the middle of fighting for your life every goddamn day, so secondary but it would nearly equal it, would be my personality. I am struggling, I am more up and down than a shopaholic who's waiting for a courier delivery, I'm more emotional than a Kim Kardashian crying emoji and I'm one angry mofo, I just lash out like Tom Cruise in a postnatal depression debate, things are becoming Scientology unstable and this is NOT acceptable to me. Look i've always been an opinionated and fiery type of person, if you annoy me, I'll tell you, if you upset me, you'll know it, but there's usually good reasoning behind my dislike of you, you're probably just a dick and that's fine, just don't be one around me. I love people, I love talking to people (usually inappropriately), random people in shops or on the street, I just love a good old chin wag and getting to know someone else's story (I get sick of my own story), I like to think that over the years I've learnt to (by the way I have just had a little blog break, as I remembered there were leftovers from dinner in the fridge in a snap lock bag and I have just devoured the left overs and turned the bag inside out and proceeded to lick the residue from the left over dinner, because the actual food wasn't enough, I had to lick the bag, what have I become? I'll tell you what I've become, a leftovers eating and licking at 10.30pm out of a snap lock bag because I couldn't even wait to put it on a plate and heat it, I had to just devour it cold out of the fridge person, that's what I've become!) somewhat control my talent for putting my foot in it, my mother would probably tell you otherwise, but I believe that I had started to hold back a bit in recent years, I mean Mum thinks I've loved all of her recent birthday and Christmas presents she has bought me, now that's holding back, just kidding Mum, I've loved them, every single one of them 🙄. I really do love you Geraldine and I'm so thankful for you, because no-one else would put up with me. I hate not being in control and to not be in control of yourself is such a foreign experience that unless you've gone through it, I don't think you could ever fully understand it. Cancer is hard enough by itself, never mind all of the other things that come with it as a consequence of basically keeping me alive. I hate being all "woe is me", it's not the type of person I am or is that was? I don't even know "myself" anymore. My biggest fear is losing my mind completely, so I've raised this issue the other night when I stayed in hospital and we have changed one drug, but the drug that's a non negotiable is the dexamethasone and that's the one that so far has stolen the 70% part of me and to top it off the doctor told me I will also continue to gain weight whilst on it, it won't just plateau one day, I will just continue to get bigger and bigger, so fabulous, I will eventually be a morbidly obese terminal cancer patient, things are really looking up 😜! I look back at the photos from a year ago when I first started the drug and luckily I was only on it for a short period of time at that stage, so once I stopped the drug, the appearance and slow brain issues subsided, it took a number of months, but they did, so now I have to face the fact that I will be on this drug that is the devil, for good, but it's keeping my pain levels down, so it's a necessary evil. My hope is that in 6 months time I am sitting here on my bed in my Christmas time pyjamas and writing a witty and festive blog about the fact that I'm here for another Christmas and Cancer can go stuff itself, but will this drug allow me to do that? This too shall pass (the distress of it all I mean) and If I can't stay fabulous, promise me you will x Ps. This blog was written last night at a very low point, upon completion of this blog, I actually read a comment from a woman in Gundagai (a small country town on the NSW/VIC border known for a dog on a tuckerbox), nothing massive was said in the message, but it had a huge impact on me. The thought that my story was being told by this woman to others in this small rural town of NSW (I know it's being told overseas and in other far and strange places also) warmed my heart and woke me up, yes I know this drug will continue to make my emotions ou
43 Comments
Laurie Spinello
2/6/2016 09:22:47 am
I cannot pretend to even understand what you are experiencing. I only know that my heart breaks for you - at the same time you are really lighting up my day with your impenetrable strength. I check your blog daily, as I find you fabulous and inspiring. Wishing you only the best from New York 😘👑 xo, Laurie
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Lisa
2/6/2016 11:55:07 pm
Thanks Laurie, that is truly very kind and uplifting of you to say x
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Sue Robinson
2/6/2016 09:35:34 am
More wonderful inspiration and humour! Now I know where all my extra facial hair has come from....dexamethasone! My heart goes out to you.
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Lisa
2/6/2016 11:54:15 pm
It's a horrible drug Sue, theses are just a handful of symptoms x
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Catherine
2/6/2016 10:32:41 pm
Lisa - you licked the inside of a snap-lock bag?! Now that's style! And your writing is laugh out loud funny. You're the Rock Star! xx
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Lisa
2/6/2016 11:52:54 pm
Thanks Catherine, yeah I know I'm all class ❤️
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Jill
3/6/2016 05:25:35 am
Hey Lisa I've just recently starting following you via a relative of yours i think in N.I and your witty attitude and strength has blown me away, your 1 amazing woman. Keep fighting the fight, we're all on this journey with you, i just wish I could help in some way but you are certainly inspirational girl xx
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Lisa
3/6/2016 06:21:22 am
Hi Jill
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Tracy Hardie
3/6/2016 06:24:08 am
I've just started to follow your blog. You are an amazing & inspirational woman. I had breast cancer last year & went through chemo, mastectomy & lymph node removal & radiotherapy, I am now a year down the line trying to get back to normal. Alongside me was a work colleagues wife who was diagnosed but was HER2 positive. She got the all clear in January but last month was told it was back and was terminal, it's in her liver, ribs and brains, she is 39 and has 2 young daughters. She had just had to fight the Scottish government for a drug that may extend her life, the drug is called Kadcyla, she won that fight as she had so many supporters on social media and the media took it on board. I would love to think that she has the fight and determination that you have, you have certainly given me positivity to be strong in trying to accept what happened to me and try to get my life back as I am one of the lucky ones.
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Lisa
4/6/2016 04:35:39 pm
Hi Tracie
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Christine mc Allister
3/6/2016 06:28:22 am
Hi Lisa
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Sophia
3/6/2016 06:43:32 am
Oh Lisa I've only just met you but I find you so inspiring!! I can't fathom what you're going through, (although I've watched loved ones go through it) hold on to your humour!! It's fabulous and will get you through the hardest times. I actually love your face!! When I first saw you on Constance page you face and smile warmed my heart!! You looked so genuinely warm and beautiful just like your words and story. Life changes us all and some of it we have no control over... I've put on 10kg because of a sick 14mth old who is now 3 1/2 and still doesn't sleep through the night!!! I look like I've been on your shit drug too... Keep writing and sharing because we all admire you so much!! Ps - I live in Noosa! 😘🙌🏼💕👑
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Lisa
4/6/2016 04:39:55 pm
Hi Sophia
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Kate
3/6/2016 07:20:24 am
I'm gonna throw this out there, I love your face. It's beautiful, really really beautiful. I like your chin(s) the wiser you get the more chins you grow .... Then the whiskers on your chins are just little cherries on the top. On a serious note, I'm in awe of you. Your writing style is so beautiful, I just wish that you weren't terminally fabulous. ❤️ Love, light, laugh. Ps, always insist photos are taken from above, it's good for the cheek bones and chins darling. I speak from experience. X
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Lisa
4/6/2016 04:41:20 pm
Hi Kate
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Bec
3/6/2016 07:30:09 am
My 5 year old son has recently finished 3 years of treatment with one week every month on dex. It is a cruel cruel drug! We are now working on changing the habits he learn't from that drug :) Keep up the good fight!!
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Lisa
4/6/2016 05:49:26 pm
Hi Bec
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3/6/2016 07:44:40 am
Lisa, I found your blog thru Queen Constance. I know you're having a rough time of it. But know you are in my thoughts daily. You are bringing joy and laughter to so many through your writing. When you are able to fly again, come out to California and I'll take you wine tasting!
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Lisa
4/6/2016 05:52:24 pm
Hi Vanessa
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Miranda
3/6/2016 08:11:40 am
Have a listen to this if you are thinking of the lady from Gundagai. A folk song called the Road to Gundagai.
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Losa
4/6/2016 05:53:29 pm
Hi Miranda
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Lee Reader
3/6/2016 08:12:04 am
Wow Lisa...you are a force of nature! Your writing is heartbreaking and awe inspiring simultaneously....your "realness" is divine! All the love and luck in the world to you...you and your blog inspire me to reach for fabulousness too xxxx
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Lisa
4/6/2016 05:54:19 pm
Hi Lee
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Jade
3/6/2016 08:28:05 am
It's all so fucking unfair Lisa, it really is. I read your posts from time to time and never know what to say, so I don't say anything. Strength to you really, for everything you are going through.
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Lisa
4/6/2016 05:55:07 pm
Hi Jade
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Nic
3/6/2016 08:32:48 am
Hey Lisa. You are so fab and amazing even if you do lick out a snap bag ( is that like a sandwich bag?) And have a moon face (which is a very pretty face by the way! So who cares if it's a little bigger than before. You're still gorgeous 😘)
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Lisa
4/6/2016 05:56:51 pm
Hi Nic
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Sue
3/6/2016 08:39:51 am
You are beautiful! Not pretty, not cute, not attractive, downright mind blowingly beautiful. Your face is gorgeous but your character, humour, strength and honesty outshine that stunning face.
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Lisq
4/6/2016 06:04:28 pm
Hi Sue
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Caragh
3/6/2016 09:02:38 am
My mum was on Dex for a year during her treatment and she would randomly call me at insane times of the day and need me to come home. Why? She was hysterical and she needed a potato cake... That irrational behaviour you talk about I know well.
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Lisa
4/6/2016 06:10:01 pm
Hi Caragh
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Tina
3/6/2016 12:00:17 pm
You are still stunning. The difficulty must be that you have had no choice in your transformation. What a huge journey you are on. Your raw honesty is refreshing and my prayers for strength are with you. Xx
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Lisa
4/6/2016 06:11:21 pm
Hi Tina
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Jewls
3/6/2016 01:23:59 pm
Just wanted to pop in and say Hi! Tell you how much I appreciate your ability to be so damn real, it one of the 2 476 398 reasons you are so fucking fabulous! You are in Brisvegas?! Me too! If you ever want to get up to some shenanigans email me! xx Juliana Maria
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Losa
4/6/2016 06:13:05 pm
Hi Jewls
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Gabby Williams
4/6/2016 07:40:39 am
I recently came across your blog and have since become a huge fan of yours. I love your uplifting words, I admire the strength you possess and most of all the amazing and truthful way you share this journey with the rest of the world. I am a nurse and come across cancer patients more often than I would like, and I know that by reading your blog will help me have a deeper understanding of what cancer really does to someone in a personal level. I thought I had a pretty good understanding of the disease and its horrible side effects, but I feel I have learned so much more just by reading your blog and I hope I can use your blog to inspire and encourage someone going through this very hard to navigate disease . I will definitely direct them to your blog because I know they can get great insight from your very truthful and beautiful writing. Sending you many hugs and prayers.
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Lisa
4/6/2016 06:23:56 pm
Gabby
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Diane
4/6/2016 07:32:26 pm
I just came across your blog & I am amazed at your fabulous perspective. Your writing style is humerous and thought provoking. You are an amazing person and are not defined by your illness or side effects of any drug. I cannot fathom what you are going thru, but in the last 3 yrs my mother, husband and I have been diagnosed with cancer. All are treatable but a terrible burden for all of us. Stay strong. Love & respect Diane
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Lisa
4/6/2016 08:16:49 pm
Diane
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Irina NY
5/6/2016 06:20:47 pm
Hi Lisa!
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Lisa
6/6/2016 08:14:21 am
Hi Irina
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Sarah Jack
2/12/2017 11:23:52 am
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Author
My name is Lisa Magill and I have been navigating the minefield that is cancer since just months after turning 30, people have been saying to me for years that I should put my thoughts into writing and as time has progressed I thought I had left it too late, well here we are nearly 4 years in and for some unknown reason I've decided to start to write today. Archives
February 2017
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