I've spoken before about a moment I had standing at the kitchen bench looking over our loungeroom and watching my Mum, Dad, brother Steven, Marianne my sister-in-law and Ava my then 2 year old niece. They were just going about a normal night, sitting and chatting, laughing at Ava, whilst the TV was on in the background going unnoticed and in that moment I realised one day, that will be their new normal, going about life without me in it, they won't be thinking of me or calling out to me to put the kettle on while I'm in the kitchen, I will be the metaphorical TV, there, but not really.
There will be times like Birthday's and Christmas' when I will be remembered, when they'll talk about how I was the hardest person to buy for when it came to presents and as much as they think it's because I just can't be pleased, I think it's more to do with the fact that I've never learned to accept gifts graciously. I'm not a good receiver, because I never feel deserved of the gift, a great giver, yes, there's just always been something that doesn't sit right with me when receiving a gift, like I'm unworthy of it or their money could be spent on something more important. I've had to learn over recent months especially to receive gifts better, I mean, I've been gifted some beautiful gifts from some fabulous rockstars, I was gifted my dream trip to Broome by Dreams2live4 and given the trip to the Melbourne Cup by Emirates, so I've had to receive some pretty bloody big gifts of late. I've learnt, that to be able to give, you must be able to receive, because that wonderful warm feeling that comes over me when I see the happiness on a person's face upon receiving my gift, should be experienced by everyone at some point in their life and if I don't allow people to give, I am depriving them of the best gift of all, that warm fuzzy feeling and moment of pure gratefulness and joy when a person sees a gift for the first time. Gifts don't have to be physical, expensive or huge, just smiling at the lonely man on a park bench is a gift, for that may be the only human interaction that person has all day, all week. I suppose "giving" would be my favourite pass time and by writing this blog I'm giving myself to you, I feel this is the greatest gift I've ever given.
This will be my legacy, this will be something that when I'm long gone and nobody remembers the girl who guilted her way into the Melbourne Cup and terminally fabulous is just a couple of words that no longer resonates with people, it will still be there for my family, my friends, my loved ones and maybe the odd google search recipient, to look back on when they need a virtual hug. This has been my greatest gift so far, I don't think there's much more a person could give of themselves than their complete truth, to bare ones soul publicly has been a gift for me also. I have gained so much joy from fabulous rockstars that write and tell me stories of how my blog has helped them or their loved one get through the day. There is no possible way to describe the feeling you get when you open an email from a complete stranger and they bare their soul to you in return. How amazing is that? People actually feel safe enough disclosing their deepest and darkest thoughts and feelings to me? Yes, with this gift comes sadness, stories of death and devastation, but that warm fuzzy feeling I get from the good email helps to take the sting away from the sadness.
There will be times when my friends will laugh at the stupid things I've said or done over the years and when the tears from laughter dry on their cheeks, I will be returned to that little drawer in the back of their mind, waiting to be stumbled across again accidentally when looking for something else.
I do not want to be a memory, I don't want to be talked about and I certainly don't want to be forgotten. I want to be given a gift that to most sane people is seemingly unachievable, I want the gift of life, the gift of a cure, a miracle, because I'm not ready to be a fading memory.
Stay fabulous rockstars and give somebody the gift of an unexpected smile tomorrow, you never know how big an impact that one small gesture could have on someone's life ❤️🤘🏼
My name is Lisa Magill and I have been navigating the minefield that is cancer since just months after turning 30, people have been saying to me for years that I should put my thoughts into writing and as time has progressed I thought I had left it too late, well here we are nearly 4 years in and for some unknown reason I've decided to start to write today.