Bowels, we all have them, we all use them and we all don't like to talk about them, or so you'd think, I talk about my bowels all day everyday, have I been? What was its consistency, colour, small or big? You see once you're diagnosed with cancer and start some treatment, whether curative or not, you will end up on some sort of drug that will bind you up tighter than a bondage scene from 50 shades of Grey, basically, steroids will clog you, anti nausea meds will bung you, pain meds will block you up too and then there are the other myriad of drugs that also cause your arse to pucker up like a dried raisin and usually you're using a combination of all or some of these already ass achingly blocking meds, so if you've been constipated, times that by 100 and you might just get an idea of how blocked ones plumbing becomes when sick with cancer, because all the other shit that we put up with on a daily basis isn't enough, let's just give her the shits, but not let her shit!!!!!
Constipation is painful, it's like there is a boxing ring inside your stomach and there are 10 fights going on simultaneously and they're all going 100 rounds and the constant heavy and bloated feeling that comes with it, it's just horrible and indescribable really, unless you've had it, it's very hard to explain, the explanation I've just given you is not very good, but it's the best I could come up with at 12.45 am on a Saturday night/Sunday morning.
Then there is the other side, obviously pain relief and treatment outrank constipation, so rather than reduce pain meds or change treatment for the cancer, you need to address the constipation, so the docs have to unclog you, you often end up in hospital in excruciating pain from constipation and then you spend the next 4 or 5 days in hospital trying to crap (they will not discharge you until you poo) , they will fill you full of coloxyl drops (like drinking caramel flavoured cats piss), dulcolax drops, suppositories, enema's, movicol and soooooo much more, eventually you are squirting what feels like liquid nitrogen out of your bunghole and you will frequent the toilet more than any other room, success.......apparently.
You don't get a happy medium or a happy ending, you are either one of two things, bunged up or flowing feverishly.
People don't realise how important it is to have a healthy relationship with your bowels and ensuring that they are treated with the respect they deserve, remember if you don't shit you die, so you've gotta stay on top of that stuff, I say free the bowels, no longer should my predictive text change bowel to vowel when I type (even my iPhone has no respect for the bowels) biwel by mistake, change it to bowel not vowel! I say we should not care about what other people think and if you're lucky enough to have bowels that work, embrace it, feel privileged and proud that you have been blessed with a working poo factory, oh what i'd give to be the person who actually contemplates holding one in because they can't bear the thought of another human being walking into the bathroom mid plop, I say unclench, Poo away, let them plop and plop high!!!! Be proud, you are one lucky son of a bitch, I am more inclined to be the person squatting there willing one out, to no avail, either that or I'm running (well walking at a decent pace or being pushed in my wheelchair) to the closest toilet because of my explosive diarrhoea.
What about those people who go at the same time everyday, like clockwork? How lucky are they? These are not unicorns they do exist and I know a couple of them, one in particular lives with me and they could go 10 times a day, if he/she had the spare time in the day to actually crap that often, I'm jealous, I'm jealous that shitting can come so easily to people and they often don't realise how lucky they are, yes I have a case of the brown eyed monster!
So to those of you who are anally blessed I salute you, I hope you never have to experience the pain or discomfort that is constipation or the opposite that occurs upon trying to rectify the constipation.
Let the plop run free, wear your plop
like a badge of honour, the next time you are in a public restroom and you are lucky enough to actually be pooing, don't wait until the person next to you flushes or runs the tap or leaves the room, do it I say and smile to yourself, be proud that you are one of the chosen ones, you were given this wonderful gift, so use it and use it often!
Free the plop!
My name is Lisa Magill and I have been navigating the minefield that is cancer since just months after turning 30, people have been saying to me for years that I should put my thoughts into writing and as time has progressed I thought I had left it too late, well here we are nearly 4 years in and for some unknown reason I've decided to start to write today.