So it's been over a week since I found out that the radiation didn't work this time and the words "you should have died when you were last admitted to hospital", came out of my oncologists mouth. Fast forward to now and here I am in palliative care, barely able to breathe, due to the pain from my liver tumours pressing on my diaphragm.
We have changed my meds once again and the one thing I desperately want to go away, is the inability to breathe properly, it is still here and I am begging all of the gods to take this and my liver pain away, but when do I come to the point of acceptance? When do things get so bad that I finally let it take me? Writing this now makes me want to sob, uncontrollably, people say "you'll be in a better place, pain free, we're the ones left behind having to deal with getting our heads all around this", well you know what I don't wanna be in a better place, I like right where I am thank-you, well not in palliative care at the hospital, but when I'm at home, playing with my niece or making dinner, I really love those things, the simple things. I'm not ready, I AM NOT READY!!!! You stare death in the face and see how you feel.
As I sit here typing this blog, yet another sobbing relative has retreated to the palliative ward hallway, are they crying from fear? Are they crying from seeing their loved one in so much pain? Or are they crying because their loved one has finally passed and what do I do? I put my headphones in and turn the music up, well what else do I do? Do I sit and listen to their pain and make myself feel worse (yes I know it's not about me, a poor family has just lost their loved one and I'm trying to protect myself) or do I listen and let their fear and sadness consume me and in turn make me even more scared. I choose to drown it out, I'm sorry if that's cold, but I just can't deal with the reality of it all. So I do understand that for those left behind, it is incredibly hard and I understand why they would think that it's harder on them than it is on me, but imagine not being around. Imagine not being there for the little things in life, never mind the big things.
Basically this whole "SHITuation" is exactly that, shit!
I still can't believe that the immunotherapy that I spent $7000.00 every 3 weeks for four times has wrecked my lungs and it could quite possibly be my lungs that kill me, not the actual cancer! So I'm pissed off, I'm pissed off that I actually paid for the possibility of an earlier demise, I paid for this shit to be injected into my veins and it not only damaged my lungs, but it also made my tumours grow faster and larger! Yes I'm resenting it and I know if I hadn't done it, I would have always asked "what if?", so I had to do it. I also don't want to dissuade people from trying Keytruda/pembrolizumab, it is an amazing drug with proven results, but for me, sadly I feel it has increased my tumour growth rate and size, the old "you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't situation.
I had a meeting with the palliative doctor yesterday (he's not my regular oncologist) and he basically said my disease had progressed "rapidly" and that's another frightening word, I then rang my oncologist and asked him and he said exactly the same as the palliative doctor, except he used the words that this is shit, there's that word again, they should change the word cancer to shit!
I'm not ready yet, I don't want to go, no matter how much fun it is on the other side and the thought of partying with both Prince and Princess Diana at the same time thrills me, I'd still rather be playing dolls with my niece, down here on earth in our little lounge room .
I want to thank you all for your love and support and I am hoping and praying that you will all be reading another blog from me soon.
Stay fabulous people x✌🏼️
My name is Lisa Magill and I have been navigating the minefield that is cancer since just months after turning 30, people have been saying to me for years that I should put my thoughts into writing and as time has progressed I thought I had left it too late, well here we are nearly 4 years in and for some unknown reason I've decided to start to write today.