Doing it for yourself and by yourself

So many people ask me "how does it feel going through Cancer alone?" to which I usually reply with a contorted face, "what do you mean alone? I have my family, my friends and my new terminally fabulous family. What they mean is how do you do it without a boyfriend/girlfriend or a husband/wife?

Weeeeelllll I did it with a partner for the first 2 years and it certainly didn't make my life any easier. What is it with the world that we so often think that a person needs a partner to be able to get through not only the big things in life, but the every day struggles that come with life as well? It's like the 'single parent' concern that people have. How is she ever going to do this on her own? Those kids are going to miss out on so much? As if it's not already hard enough on the poor woman, as if these thoughts have not already been spinning around this woman's head, I sometimes think half the battle is worrying about what everyone else is going to think about "your" divorce, yes "your" divorce, not your Mum's, not your sisters, not your nextdoor neighbours, "your" divorce. What the "judgey Judy's" have to say should not affect what I imagine is one of the most difficult time in person's life.

I've mentioned before that I had a relationship and it wasn't just a fly by relationship, it was 14 years of my life, I was 19 turning 20 when I met "the love of my life" and boy was it "interesting".

I would have married him in the first few years, but unfortunately he was more interested in trying to keep all of the women in his life happy, yep, we're not talking a mammas boy or his sisters, we're talking girlfriends, bits on the side, whatever you want to call them, they were most likely floating along blissfully unaware that he was making women fall in love with him in every port, just as I was.

Things came to a blow when one of his lovely ladies contacted me on my mobile, yep, she must have known about me to get my number from his phone, I mean he didn't have me listed as girlfriend on his contacts list, so she actively sought out my name to get my number. Let's call her "Kathy", Kathy called and told me a few home truths, this was a week before I went to the doctors and found out I had cancer. I immediately flew up to my Mum and Dads as I still lived in NSW and they lived in QLD, I didn't tell them what he had done, but I needed a bit of space and a lot of head space.

Basically when I found out about my cancer, the other issue got swept under the rug and he became my full-time carer. Let's call him Mike. Mike was always out somewhere, his phone never had any call records or messages saved, there were so many clues that I pretty much knew about, but I had the Big C to think about, I didn't have enough mental capacity to think about the Big C, let alone his Big D and where he was dipping it and "big" is an over exaggeration, let's say his Medium D. The more time I have to think about it, little things stand out to me that at the time didn't.

For all his faults Mike stood up and took charge when my disease became a full-time thing. He was the one who would run around at all hours of the night trying to find me whatever chemo food craving I was having, he wiped up my vomit and he was at every appointment and treatment that I had, sure enough we would always come out of the appointment with a completely different opinion of what the oncologist had said, which would lead to arguments and upset, but he was there.

My answer to those that ask if I feel scared or more alone facing terminal cancer now that I no longer have my partner would change from day to day or what my hormones are up to. Most of the time I feel totally fine with it, I have my Mum, my Dad, family and friends and they're so supportive that I don't even get a chance to even think about not having my boyfriend there and then there are some nights like last night that I cried at the thought of him not being in my life anymore. Basically it's the same as any normal break-up. You have your good days and you have your bad days, the cancer is just there, a break-up is a break-up.

I suppose the only downside in my situation to other people's break-ups, is the thought of dying alone or would a guy ever want to be with me knowing that there could be cans of soup in his pantry that have longer use by dates than me. Why would you want to date someone who has an uncertain expiry date?

Nobody wants to go through cancer alone and no-one should have to, but just like in life, I don't need a man to survive and I don't need a man to get me through my illness, my support network is more than enough.

Just remember at the end of the day if you're going through a break-up, whether you have cancer or you're moving on in life in general, you can have all the people in the world around you egging you on and offering hugs on demand, but the person who gets you through, is you. You are the person who will use your spirit and your inner strength to kick this break-up bitch in the ass, it's you who gets you through, no-one else. Just like an alcoholic or a smoker won't give up until they're ready, no matter how many people in their life are begging them to quit, until that person is in that place mentally to quit, they won't quit, just as in a break-up, you will get over it when you are ready and you're entitled to miss someone, even if they weren't necessarily the best thing for you, that's life.

I don't need no man to get through this shit fight, but it would be nice to have someone to spoon at night occasionally. Stay fabulous rockstars ❤️🤘🏼

A few old pics, out with the old and in with the new ❤️