As you all know, I wasn't blessed with children and I've often questioned whether I have experienced the deepest love a person can experience in their lifetime. Yes I'm a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, an Aunty and so on and I know I'm loved and I love them, but is our love for each other as deep as a love for a partner or your own child?
I've been in love, I know what that feels like and it compares to no other love, well any love that I've had. There's something special about a loving relationship, a feeling that is pretty indescribable, but I can say it's a deep and unwavering commitment to another soul. When I've been in the depths of my deepest love with a partner, it's like I walk around with love blinders on, I would walk in front of a speeding train to save them, I've felt that and it doesn't compare to a love you have for your parents or siblings, it's no more important, it's just a different type of love and when it hits you, you'll know, because it's both exhilarating and scary at the same time, Scary? Yes, because you're in so deep you're frightened something might take that away from you, you're scared they don't feel the same, it won't last or it's not real.
As I thought about the different types of relationships in my life and the type of love we have for one another I had a realisation, all this time I've worried about how much people love me, how much people will miss me and what impact have I had on their lives? I especially worry about Ava, you see everyone else has had time to love me, to make lasting memories with me, but Ava? Well she's only three, yes we've made memories, yes we've developed a loving relationship, even though she's going through the terrible threes at the moment and she's more unpredictable than a USA election, we still have what I believe to be a very special bond, even though this evening she told me she doesn't love me because I was mean to Nanna, but moments prior to that she was following me everywhere and I turned around and said "Ava, stop following me" (jokingly), to which she replied "but Lisa I'm only following you because I love you", then when I wanted to have a shower she was following me and I told her again to stop following me and she said, "but Lisa it's because I still love you that I'm following you." That kid is like having a shower with the dishwasher on at the same time, she goes from hot to cold and back again in seconds, but I love her.
My fear I suppose, is that if and when I do kick the bucket, will she be old enough to remember our relationship? So my light bulb moment? I've always thought no matter how special these relationships, I'm leaving no-one behind, more specifically I'm not leaving a child behind, another one of those bonds that people say is like no other, in fact many say there is no deeper a love than the love you have for your own child, but then I thought about the love I have for my Aunty Bernie, I'm very lucky actually, I've been blessed with wonderful aunties on both sides of my family. They are all amazing women, each are loving and caring in an open and unique way, they all have wicked sense of humours (they get that from me), but I've sadly not had much physical contact due to living in another country, thankfully for Facebook we've been able to connect more and three of my Dads sisters came to Australia to visit from the UK just this year.
So why my Aunty Bernie? Why did she stand out? I used to basically live at her house when I was a kid, she was able to visit us in Australia more than my other Aunties and as well as that my other aunties have so many nieces and nephews that they could be confused for a less controversial version of that 19 kids and counting family, whereas my Aunty Bernie only had myself and my brother.
I have one of those loves for my Aunty that's unlike any other love I have for anybody else. Bernie is one of the kindest souls you'll ever meet, she is so devoted to myself and my family, that she has dropped everything and flown out here to Australia a few times in recent years to support my family and get us through the hard times, there are times she's been sitting on a plane not knowing if I'll be dead or alive upon her arrival, can you imagine that feeling? Bernie has gotten me through so many low moments over recent years, she is a beacon of light for all of us in our darkest hour, but especially me.
We didn't always have this relationship, I'm sure there's a few times she probably would have killed me after catching me going through her Fine Young Cannibals or Boy George records when I was a kid, if it weren't for the high probability of Jail time, (she still lived at home with my Grandparents on my Mums side and I would stay there often), I probably would have been wearing concrete shoes at the bottom of some Lough in Ireland years ago. God I was scared of her as a kid! She was certainly a fiery one in her early 20's, but as we both grew up, we grew closer, rather than apart, even if we are thousands of miles apart, our love and admiration for each other has grown and continues to grow with each day. Bernie has a husband and a son now, which I'm so happy that she has, as she deserves to love someone in that indescribable way and someone deserves to be loved by her in that indescribable way also.
If I can have that love and commitment for my Aunty, an indescribable love, a never-ending love, then surely if I can manage to stick around long enough, Ava can have an indescribable love for me too, because I know my love for her is already indescribable and I don't have to have a husband or a child to experience deep love or be loved deeply in return, I'm surrounded by indescribable love.
To all my Aunties, my love for each of you is indescribable.
To my Uncles, my love for each of you is indescribable.
To all of my family and friends, my love for you is indescribable and in the end I'd say that's a pretty special thing to know, that you've loved indescribably and been loved indescribably, even if you think you haven't, when you sit back and think about it, you probably already have. Stay Fabulous Rockstars ❤️🤘🏼🎄
My name is Lisa Magill and I have been navigating the minefield that is cancer since just months after turning 30, people have been saying to me for years that I should put my thoughts into writing and as time has progressed I thought I had left it too late, well here we are nearly 4 years in and for some unknown reason I've decided to start to write today.