My name is Lisa and I am a lazy cancer patient, there I said it! I can finally breathe, I feel like a tonne weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I am that person who receives an email, looks at the subject line and when it says "Corn the New answer to Cancer", I trash it! I'm sorry!!!! I know you've taken the time out of your busy day to think about me and that's so beautifully kind of you, but it's just not me.
I'm not that girl who will drink her own urine that's been heated to 38.5 degrees, mixed with turmeric and blended with gold dust, I am a lazy cancer patient. I have NEVER tried anything that isn't a prescribed treatment by a medical professional other than one thing, that for the sake of this blog we will call "oregano".
I was in the worst position I had been in throughout my entire disease, I had been overdosed by Paramedic's and rendered unconscious, upon return to the world of the living, my left foot had stopped working due to my two golf ball sized tumours in my bladder pressing on a nerve, my bladder had stopped working, I had two consecutive tumour bleeds, blood transfusions, radiotherapy, I was in immense pain, nauseous and I was desperate. My Dad was especially deeply affected by my pain, he couldn't bear seeing me curled up in the foetal position, tears rolling down my face, moaning and groaning uncontrollably. When I relocated to Queensland, my Dad presented me with the "oregano" option. I took the "prescribed" dose which is less prescribed and more "anecdotal", take one smidgen of the oregano, drop it under your tongue, then mix the other oregano with some juice and drink. The problem with this is, a 90 kilogram man would be having the same dosage as myself, I was only 38 kilograms at the time. Moments after the first consumption of my oregano I was losing it. My head was spinning, I was nauseous, I was so paranoid that I demanded that someone be in the room with me at all times because I felt like throwing myself of the balcony, I ate like a horse and I just remember thinking to myself that I will never be "normal" again, this "oregano" had caused me permanent mental health issues, I was going crazy! Thankfully the oregano eventually left my system, after a good 10 hours mind you! I am totally supportive of using oregano as a pain relief option and a possible cure to cancer, I just need it to be regulated so that I'm never going to experience an oregano overdose again, that shit is pungent, just a pinch too much and that bolognese sauce you've been labouring over for the last 4 hours isn't even good enough for the stray suburb dog to have a sneaky lick, it could quite possibly poison the poor thing.
Kale is the new wonder drug, turmeric is the new wonder drug, juicing is the new wonder drug, cut out sugar, gluten, lactose, fructose, basically anything that resembles something edible-cut it out RIGHT NOW! Do yoga in the morning facing due north whilst humming Hanson's MmmBop and wearing no underwear, brush your teeth anti-clockwise while standing on one foot burping the National anthem and for Gods sake double knot your shoe laces, ain't nobody got time for rogue shoe laces when your walking 10 kilometres backwards every Waning gibbous moon, because all of these things will in fact kill cancer.
Again I completely respect those that try alternative treatments, in fact I envy your self-control, I'm of the school where I think to myself "well things really couldn't get much worse, so stuff it, I'll drink that champagne and eat that bag of corn chips". I simply don't have the will power, the energy or the commitment to be trying every new "fad".
If I was to try every suggestion that my beautiful friends have so lovingly investigated for me, I would NEVER have the time to scratch my ass, I'd to be too busy smearing Manuka honey on it!
Us cancer patients can also be compared to a pregnant woman, you know how it becomes free reign to walk up to a complete stranger, rub their pregnant belly, then proceed to tell your story of your pregnancy and query the beautiful pregnant Goddess about their labour plan, well, being a cancer patient is pretty much like that. Tap on the shoulder in the Ladies toilet queue at the Hugh Jackman concert, Complete stranger; "umm excuse me, but I couldn't help but notice that you have a pain driver, do you have cancer or something?". Me; "yes, I do", CS; "Oh that's terrible, what kind is it?", ME; "it's bla bla bla terminal gastric sarcoma", CS;"Wow, have you tried the raw food diet?My friend had stage 2 breast cancer, she opted out of chemo and started the diet, within 6 months there was no sign of cancer, here let me give you the number of my raw diet vegan sponsor and they'll happily give you a diet plan that will attack and kill your cancer cells, oh and are you religious? I'm part of a travelling prayer group, we come to people's houses and cleanse them and their house of all illness". Thank-God the engaged sign clicks over to vacant on a cubicle, that woman was taking the longest shit in the history of shits, I envy her and her shitting prowess. I sit on the toilet, oh yeah, you read it right, gone are the shaky knees of the ominous public toilet squat, I now SIT on the toilet, no toilet paper laid on the seat, no disinfecting it with my hand sanitiser, I take a seat and enjoy the splendour that is a comfortable pee. Do you know how freeing and empowering sitting on a public toilet is? It's amazing, no more hovering vicariously over the toilet seat that is always inevitably too high for my vertically challenged self trying to direct my pee in the right direction, because women are not designed to stand up while peeing, when we squat we have to do so with military like precision otherwise you'll be faced with a "RPPSI" Rogue Pissy Pants Soaking Incident and believe me, no one wants that! So now that I have terminal cancer I am a Public Toilet Rebel, I take a seat, anywhere anytime, except those aluminium public toilets at the beach, a girl has her limits. I stand up, flush and as I'm about to walk out of the toilet, a card with the Vegan sponsor's details are slid under the door.
Needless to say I didn't start the raw food diet and thankfully by some divine intervention, whether it be supporters prayer, chanting, meditations or my diet, radiation or other treatments, whatever I'm doing I must be doing something right, because 3 years later I'm still here, albeit full of abdominal/pelvic tumours and living a new norm of constant drug feeds and micro-sleeps, but I'm still here to type this blog and bitch about new age hipster coffee enemas that are the next big thing when it comes to cancer treatment.
I am always grateful for wonderful people taking the time out of their day to suggest that I make sure I eat broccoli daily because of its amazing antioxidant power or that I should be drinking green tea from a Porcelain Cup, but please don't be insulted if I or your friend that you're lovingly encouraging to become vegan don't take your advice and choose our own path, we just have to do this "our" way. I couldn't count the times that a friend, stranger or loved one has suggested some form of miracle treatment and I then feel guilty for not proceeding with it, we love you and we appreciate you, but please understand that we have enough on our plate already without adding steamed Aloe Vera to it because of its healing enzymes!
In the mean time fabulous rockstars, eat, drink and be merry and don't forget the optimal healing temperature of your urine drink is 38.5 degrees, you've gotta be precise with that shit, I mean piss, you know what I mean ❤️🤘🏼
My name is Lisa Magill and I have been navigating the minefield that is cancer since just months after turning 30, people have been saying to me for years that I should put my thoughts into writing and as time has progressed I thought I had left it too late, well here we are nearly 4 years in and for some unknown reason I've decided to start to write today.