Two words that hold so much strength, that they are truly the best medicine for a terminally ill person like myself, are hope and the second is Fuck, Fuck you and fuck your little crusade of tumours invading my personal space. Who do you think you are?
You're the elephant in every room I walk into and your the poisonous snake in my body and soul.
You have taken so much of me and my loved ones over the years that I'm surprised we're still standing (well I may be slightly more crouched these days and have a wheelchair, but you get my drift).
You have built us up so many times, only to pull us back down, time and time again. So many have given us hope, even you cancer, you've given us a few occasions there and we believed you, because that's what people in my position do, we look for hope in every little positive, it gives us the strength to continually front up to Iv's pumping toxic liquid into our veins, that literally poison our body to the point of non recognition , try new drugs, that the side effects are so bad they could potentially kill you or make your cancer worse (been there done that, thanks again Keytruda), go into numerous 10 hour life or death saving surgeries to be sliced open from ribs to pelvis and be gutted like a fish, whilst our loved ones pace cold hospital hallways praying, it gives us the strength to ignore oncologists who tell us on numerous occasions we won't make it through the night or to Christmas or the EOFY sales (I CANNOT miss out on those!, Hope, it helps me deal with the excruciating pain that is cancer on a daily basis, it keeps us going.
I am disgusted, saddened and angry, angry that you impact so many people's lives, every second, every minute of every day, you are being introduced to somebody new "Hi, my names cancer and I'm going to put your life on hold for an unspecified or unforeseen amount of time, so please mark you're diary as "stuffed for the unforeseeable future". Cancer does not discriminate, it does not care who you are? Where you're from? How much money you earn? What colour your skin is? What religion you are? Whether you watch antiques roadshow religiously? Whether you go to Mass? Whether you're gay, straight, Bi or transgender? Whether you're a good person or bad? What type of car you drive? All it wants is a warm bed in your body for a while (hopefully it's a short visit, if you ever have to go through it and it doesn't enjoy it's stay and leaves a really bad TripAdvisor review, so that no cancer ever wants to return to your body), in my case it's visiting for the rest of my life.
Cancer, I hope that you never have to go through what I and millions like me go through every day because of you. Going to bed at night not knowing if you are going to wake up in the morning, paying thousands of dollars a month for medications that make you so violently ill that your 4 bedroom walls or hospital wards are all you see for months on end, the pain of tumours strangling your organs, the pain of major surgeries and probably the worst thing of all is the pain you see in your loved ones eyes knowing they cannot take your pain away and through this harrowing ordeal at the end they are going to lose their 34 year old daughter, sister, Aunty, granddaughter, niece and friend and to this unrelenting disease, no matter what they do!
You are worse than Bill Clinton in a Cigar club, you make me sick to the stomach at the thought of you. I bet you're the type of person who doesn't take their rubbish to the bin in the food court or leaves a trolley right in the middle of a parking spot, plain old selfish.
You know what though Cancer? We've shown you, you thought you had a weak one when you came back to finish me off, but you weren't expecting me and my family to fight back, but we have and we still do, we will until my dying breath!
Those of you who have been reading my blog over the last few days, have probably noticed they've been a bit more angry of late and it was bound to happen at some point and although the drugs account for a large part of my mood swings, I also have to take ownership for my lack of patience and increased resentment over the past weeks, I mean I've been pretty good up until this point at controlling my emotions when it comes to you Cancer and you know what? I've woken up this morning with a renewed vigour, granted, it's probably the drugs and by 9am I'll probably resent and despise you again, but my plan today is to stick two fingers up at you and get dressed up in warm clothes, because it's actually raining here today and only going to reach 20 degrees Celsius and although my new size 10-12 maternity jeans (yes I've been a size 4 since they made a size 4, and now I'm wearing maternity jeans and I'm not even pregnant, just another adjustment in cancer life) won't close because of my drug and tumour fluid induced belly, I will find something to wear that is equally as stylish and I will rock it to lunch with my friend, where we will talk shit for hours and forget about cancer for a while, because although you have been taking over lately, I'm not going to let you today.
I am going to go out with my bloated face, body and confused and disorientated mind and I will rock that shit, chauffeured by my Father of course, as I cannot drive from my drugs and pain.
Cancer you're a fuckwit, but you're my fuckwit and I just have to accept that, so let's forget the fact today that I have tumours in the 20's in my abdomen and pelvis, let's forget the fact that I'm "dying", let's forget the fact that you exist and I'm going to have a wine, (at lunch I mean) cheers everybody and I hope your weekend is as memorable as I plan on mine being, totally fucking awesome!
Stay fabulous you Rockstars, today is my day and I will seize it, soaking wet in the rain, make it yours as well! ❤️🌟✨🚺♿️
Ps. My blog has become so much more to me than just an online diary, all thanks to you my fabulous Rockstars, it is cathartic and to know that sometimes it may bring comfort to those in their hour of need, makes me feel like we are achieving something greater than the cancer, so there's another two fingers up to you cancer, I'm writing about you and it's making me feel good, I bet that was never part of your plan either 🖕🏼🖕🏼
My name is Lisa Magill and I have been navigating the minefield that is cancer since just months after turning 30, people have been saying to me for years that I should put my thoughts into writing and as time has progressed I thought I had left it too late, well here we are nearly 4 years in and for some unknown reason I've decided to start to write today.